Saturday, October 23, 2004


a vitaltone speaker, capable of capturing skybuddies

have you ever felt thick? have you ever been at a sophisticated dinner party with a pack of pretentious literary bullshitting twats talking about james joyce? you felt like a moron, right? you felt almost as stupid as rocco buttiglione, right? well, now, you too can join in with the intellectual bullshitting thanks to the rte's wonderful online resource: ulysses for thick bastards.

the rte is a sort of irish bbc and a few years ago they did this series of radio programmes based on ulysses. each episode explains one chapter of the book. you can listen to the programmes online while you read the synopsis of each chapter. here's the first:


The action of Ulysses opens at 8 am on 16 June 1904 in the Martello Tower in Sandycove, which is about 10 kilometres south of Dublin.

Three young men are living there - Stephen Dedalus, a moody poet who returned some months previously from a stay in Paris; Buck Mulligan, a witty medical student and friend of Stephen; and Haines, an English friend of Mulligan at Oxford and an Irish language enthusiast.

Mulligan is shaving and is joined by Stephen whom he reproves for his failure to comply with his dying mother's wishes. Stephen already feels guilty about this. While they are at breakfast, which Mulligan has prepared, an old woman delivers milk. Mulligan then decides to go for a swim and all three leave the Tower.

On the way to the bathing place Haines and Stephen talk about Stephen's theory of Hamlet. Before Stephen leaves to teach at a nearby school Mulligan asks him for two pence for a pint and the key to the Tower. Stephen wonders if he will be welcome to stay there much longer, even though it was he who paid the rent.

In the Homeric correspondence, Telemacus, in the absence of his father Odysseus, sees his wealth being usurped by others just as Mulligan and Haines are taking over the Tower from Stephen.

as you can see even a reasonably thick guy can understand it. you can be bullshitting with the best within a week. for the even thicker guys there are lots of photos on the page, too.

all in all it's a goldmine for thickos. fill yer boots, as joyce might have said.



you've probably noticed that i never thanked glenn cripes for his guest appearance yesterday. well, it wasn't ingratitude and it wasn't because i was bemused by all the frisco "jive talk". no, i loved it, and my legal people have been wrangling throughout the night with cripes to secure a long-term contract, which, i'm proud to announce, we have secured.

it was tough - we're talking three figures, here - but cripes has signed a contract which commits him to a series of rock album reviews which will be entitled: cripes nails the greats. in this series glenn will analyse all the greatest rock albums of the last two hundred years.

check him out. every friday. glenn "he always nails it" cripes.

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